What are your cat's new year's resolutions?
- My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
- I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
- I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
- I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
- I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
- I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
- I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
- I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
- I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
- We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while they're trying to sleep.
- Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
- I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
- I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
- It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
- When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
- When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
- Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
- I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
- I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
- When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
- I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
- When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
- Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
- I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
- I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
- I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
- Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
- The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
- I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
- I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
- I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
- I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
- If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
- I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea.
- A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
by an anonymous cat
Image via Flickr: sickmouthy